As of late I have this pervasive sensation my life is actually fluid, not quite but almost intangible; as if the me is constantly losing bits that together shape the me. I have no idea if others experience the same. Life has been muddled, unfocused these past few weeks. I don’t know if it’s age or perhaps I have only now become aware of this state of being, or maybe it’s my imagination. Things get done, pieces are finished, toilets are clean beds are made, dinners prepared, but I myself seem to be floating through it all, as I mentioned, without true focus. Everything changes, all the time….these words strung together were just that up until a while ago: now they are my whole reality; I am changing, everyone and everything around me is constantly changing. The solidness is illusory, the thing is, I don’t care, it is as it is: ever changing. My view has shifted ever so slightly, the shift in perception however seems monumental.
Nature surrounding me is cyclic, the buds blossom into flowers into fruits into mouths into waste, life and death and back to life again.
I am and I am not cyclic; in the obvious manner of periods and predictable mood swings, yes; however I move through my world from a beginning towards an ending. I don’t know what is going to happen in a day, I am fluid, I am losing sense of self

I am puzzled
otter in conversation with skull, whilst wearing his thinking cap


i can't get a sense of your
so i am just coming back off and
on, re reading the words.
Nancy said…
I think I get what you're saying here because I've been floating and letting go lately too. And I am wondering why. Is it age? Is it lack of energy (not as much gets done over here)? Is it this season of loss and turmoil I seem to be in?
I don't know.

And when you say that you are & are not 'cyclic'...this makes me think. Is that part of it, that I am not cyclic? I don't know that either and that is ok...because I can let it go.
It's ok not to know...to just keep going however one does.

I've rambled here, because this floaty thing keeps me somewhat unfocused.
I'm glad you posted this. You've made me think and feel less alone.
Saskia said…
hmmm Grace and Nancy: well the thing is, the thing is it is almost as if there is no emotion involved: I'm passing through life, I'm going through 'a phase' is what it feels like; I'm not judging myself or questioning why I'm here; I just am, there is a distinct lack of urgency.....Right now, the sun is shining and I've been for a short walk with Tungsten and Bram, our dog-house guest this weekend and I spent an hour or so just reading...and it is all okay
A state of being I'm not too familiar with, this puzzles me
Marti said…
Sometimes it seems to me that we come into our own, that the urgency of life becomes acknowledged but metered out: In other words, we get to that point, that while there may be some upheavals along the way as in losses and grief, there is a constancy, a feeling of being ok where we are, ok with who we are, ok with what will come...
Saskia said…
yes Marti, I do believe I'm getting there, becoming more and more at ease with who and where I am, and as a consequence, also more accepting of others,less judgemental; the (self)critical voice in my head is far less vociferous: that is a huge relief!
Julie S said…
maybe that is what makes it feel detached and "floaty," the letting go of the energy it took to march in step with some image we had, along with the judgements, self criticism etc. For me, it was like being the balloon before it got tied and after someone let go of it.
Saskia said…
yes Julie, all that energy spent on trying to fit in, or answer to an image our parents conjured up of us......anyway no one is to blame, I'm not pointing fingers or anything like that, I claim my life for me, the ups and downs and all the in-betweens.
In the clear, unbiased moments there is indeed an incredible lightness to it all, the weightlessness of effortless breathing and being. I am me and you are you, we all are, I mean how amazing is that!
Are you back from Spain, I'll check in over at your blog.
Anonymous said…
saskia, your puzzlement at what you sense/feel is exciting to me... I get the sense of things shifting to a different level or a different way of holding the familiar. Am I wrong to think this might be the advent of something refreshed and rearranged and more integrated?

I love this idea that before a change comes a period (not THAT kind of period), comes a TIME, of disequilibrium.



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