another blow, sad thoughts

monday morning before we start work, our department is gathered together and are informed our colleague F's boyfriend died last Friday; he was 47, his heart had stopped beating
for a brief second we were numb and then tears and exclamations of unbelief, we are, I am filled with a sense of bewilderment, I feel beaten by all this loss; the past year has been cruel 

there was talk of ego over at Grace's and in the face of death this ego, this person that I feel I am is at once important and irrelevant; the living are individuals and once dead return to the whole 
I think a lot about F, whom I consider to be a friend as well as a colleague and although I cannot know what or how she feels, I imagine an immense sense of loss, your life partner has been pulled away from you, suddenly you find yourself alone again. 

it is hard to make things matter these days


Deb Lacativa said…
I am standing in her shoes and the desolation is complete. It's like being burned up in a fire and wondering how to go on being just an ashy cinder.
i will continue re reading
Saskia said…
dear Deb,
I have visited your blog and scrolled through and now know about your Jim; your pain is almost tangible, I feel for you and wish words could offer comfort; remaining behind is tough.
I find self thinking a lot about those who have lost loved ones, trying as much as I can to listen to what they want to say or maybe they just want to be quiet and walk for a while
Nancy said…
Saskia~ My heart goes out to you and yours as there is once again another loss in your world. It is almost too much to bear at times. I think of you, Deb every day and still can't quite imagine. I think of my friend, with an ill child and there is no way to imagine. Yet my empathy gene runs deep, so I stand in unison, in pain and heartbreak. I'm not sure if I am sounding clear here, but no matter, I can't seem to fix my words this time. Hugs to you dear Saskia and Dear Deb.
Saskia said…
I feel your hugs Nancy, they do help you know
Marti said…
Somehow we are never prepared when loss comes, even when expected. When unexpected, it is so very hard to accept. You are in my thoughts Saskia.
Julie S said…
The people I know who are deep in Loss seem just to want a place that is safe to be themselves in whatever emotion is upon them. Not much different from what we all want at all times, but their reserves for doing anything else are depleted.

I am so sorry, Saski. And Deb.(Your blog about Jim is wondrous, makes me wonder why we wait for death to do something like that.)
Saskia said…
thank you both Marti and Julie; I visited her thursday and was reassured to see how well she seems to be coping in the midst of her sadness; I noticed how incredibly open she is, all pretences or appearances have fallen away and she is 'just' a woman who has lost her mate, surviving and knowing full well there will be tough times ahead of her.



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