another blow, sad thoughts

monday morning before we start work, our department is gathered together and are informed our colleague F's boyfriend died last Friday; he was 47, his heart had stopped beating
for a brief second we were numb and then tears and exclamations of unbelief, we are, I am filled with a sense of bewilderment, I feel beaten by all this loss; the past year has been cruel 

there was talk of ego over at Grace's and in the face of death this ego, this person that I feel I am is at once important and irrelevant; the living are individuals and once dead return to the whole 

I think a lot about F, whom I consider to be a friend as well as a colleague and although I cannot know what or how she feels, I imagine an immense sense of loss, your life partner has been pulled away from you, suddenly you find yourself alone again. 

it is hard to make things matter these days