even more here

on our drive Robinia pseudoacacia in full bloom, the fragrance is intoxicating
apart from attracting bees and insects this particular tree is home to a pigeon couple, I can tell you they shit all over my car! so much so I went to the car wash today and paid the poor guy double for all his trouble getting it clean, I have now parked my car where my husband tends to park his (seeing he is away today I grabbed at this opportunity)

bumble bees have moved into the birch bird house on our porch, they make a lot of noise and are rather messy, they seem to be completely indifferent to our presence

have been feeling 'off' these past few days, I thought it was the heavy weather, but it's not that; I began painting and what do you know, before my eyes the mystery unfolded: it's my birthday tomorrow and I miss my mama, it is grief, plain and simple, weird how it caught me off-guard like that

titles from left clockwise on:
'bring me flowers, bring me birds' 'birdheadbird' 'cycle-of-life' 'please mommy come back to life'

a walk in the woods last evening with Django

a friend dropped by on Monday with literally a bucket full of tulips, the guy in the market stall where she'd gone to buy some, was giving them away towards the end of the day....tulips, my mama's favourite flower in her favourite vase

one of my favourite viewpoints on our walk



Marti said…
Feliz cumpleanos querida Saskia; un abrazo con amor.
Happy Birthday dear Saskia, a hug, with love, to you on your birthday.

Sadness and joy, it all is part of it. The bittersweet moments of the first celebrations after a loss. Two months after my Mom died, our nephew was getting married and I did not want to go. It would be a time of fun and laughter and dancing and I was in no mood but then I realized how much she loved celebrations, so we went and had a good, loving time.

I was 34 when I celebrated my first birthday without my Mom and that morning I found myself thinking how much she loved celebrations, good food, music and dance, flowers, so I baked a simple little lemon cake, made a little sign that said,said, Feliz Cumpleanos Marti y Mama...a cake for me and my Mom.

The tulips, her vase, these are your "cake."
Saskia said…
Marti thank you for your warm embrace, I remember you lost your mother at a young age, you and she were both so young....my own mother lost her mother when she was in her early twenties, all those years celebrating birthdays without her mother; I never fully realised until now how it must have felt for her and you too, having to make your own party.
Well this is the way it is and it's okay to grieve and some days miss, all part of life. And you are right about the vase and tulips: they are my cake;-)
Liz A said…
losing a mom is like no other loss ...

I hope your day was/is gentle
Saskia said…
it was/is a strange day Liz, I had not organised anything, only a close friend for late lunch together with husband, but entirely okay
the weather was weirder still: massive downpour for hours and now the sun is peeking from behind the clouds, the birds are singing once again and I feel fine
I think I will have a party next year
Mo Crow said…
(((Saskia)))may you make many more turns around the sun!
deemallon said…
Happy Birthday, Saskia. As Marti noted, those first anniversaries and birthdays after the death of a loved one are particularly hard. She seems very present in those tulips. Funny how life will deliver its meanings to us.
Faith said…
Happy Birthday, Saskia!

I don't think those surprise hits of grief ever stop. 'please mommy come back to life' is so poignant for me, even though it's been almost 8 years since my mom passed.
Saskia said…
looking forward to that Mo!
Saskia said…
there are many signs Dee, to be able to read them is the challenge;-)
Saskia said…
((Faith)) I'm sorry for your loss
Nancy said…
Happy Birthday my friend ❤️
I know just the feeling that you speak of and paint so well...my heart feels your heart this morning.
Your walking spots are so lovely and seeing Django on the path...what a grand companion to travel with.
May you celebrate the love that surrounds you on the day of your birth! Sending love 😘
Saskia said…
hi there Nancy, thank you for travelling along all these years now!.....I remember your mama's rose bush, I just went to check on where it is right now on your blog: with a friend, that is great
I took several plants from our parents' garden, two oleanders in pots, not great for our garden but hey, we will give them a go, I replanted several lily-of-the-valley bulbs, a pink geranium and some small campanula, they are struggling I have to admit as our garden has much more shade and well established growth!
it was good to feel what I felt this week, all part of life&death cycle
again, thanks for being here
Nancy said…
Marti & Saskia~ Tonight I am reminded how my first birthday with my mama, was sad & sweet...for you see she'd already picked out my card for me and had it tucked away with a stickie note with my name on it (she passed in October, but had purchased for my April birthday!). My sister wrote me a sweet note and mailed it to me...a birthday card from my mama, from beyond. ❤️
Saskia said…
oh ((Nancy)) that is so sweet
Nancy said…
SasX~ Right?! Almost too much to bear in that early year one of grief. Love to you.



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