jottings

 

Been away awhile, mentally I mean, perhaps physically as well now I come to think of it…..my body was giving off multiple signs I was heading for another burn-out. As is so often the case folks say: ‘once you’ve experienced a burn-out you are more susceptible to short-circuiting again.’ I accepted this truism as a fact, thinking I would have to try and avoid situations that bring on stress in my life. But lately, it just seemed more and more situations were pressing my stress-buttons, sometimes all at once!

‘Is what people say true? Does one burn-out lead more easily to another? And if so, why?’ I asked myself. ‘Also, how on earth am I going to be able to avoid stressful situations?’

The answer is simple: I won’t.

I will not be able to avoid them, shit happens to a larger or lesser degree, all the time, to everybody, everywhere. And that, dear reader, turned out to be my light-bulb moment, because I realised it doesn’t have to be this way, I don’t have to walk the same route as I have done countless times before.

What I should be considering is: how am I going to deal with difficulties, emotional events and so on? How I LET myself react and LET those events impact my life are determined by ME. Thoughts are not ‘real’, they are how I might perceive a situation. I can take a step back and look at what’s happening, take a moment to consider, or longer if that’s what it takes.

I am responsible for my [re]actions.

I cannot blame my parents (why did they not see the real me?) society (women are objectified, duh) friends (why are they late, again?) others-in-general (why do they pollute/make noise/procreate/not understand me?)

I do not control anyone else.

 

I didn’t uncover these insights on my own, of course not. There are people out there willing to help, IF you ask. My most recent helper is a lady named Sabine Schoch, an acupuncturist living in the same village who helped me relax with the needles and asked a bucket-load of questions which got me re-thinking my situation. Underlying so much of our pain, my pain, is fear. Fear of being unloved, unseen, unheard, fear of not being ‘good enough’, on and on, the list is endless. Out of fear we do strange things. Looking at my fear: what brings on my bodily stress? feel that and ask yourself what has caused it. I can no longer turn my back on those signals (if I want to survive), but must face them. Own them. Choose to live.

If all this sounds a lot like staring at my belly-button, as we say in Dutch (navelstaren) so be it. My blog, my space. You are welcome to visit and free not to.

Know I have been reading other blogs, rarely commenting, plus commenting on my phone was impossible most of the time and type pad blogs had issues, as we all know. I find great comfort in the blogs that are listed here to the left and feel a connection to the ever expanding fleet sailing alongside our Mothership Jude.

'Mr.Mole' and 'Hare dreaming of becoming a ballerina'
prints on transparent paper, an experiment

Apart from all this inward contemplation, there was some looking out too. Together with a friend we did a tour of local artists’ studios during Open Atelier route WaardArt weekend, where we got a chance to meet several local artists in their workspace. One even came to visit my studio after the weekend: a new connection in the field of art. I am currently applying for membership of said group. My own studio is becoming more and more a place where I can actually work: less clutter, more work surfaces! And I’m finally getting to grips with my printer, beautiful saleable prints as a result……my tidy-up customers are few and far between, but they are there, hanging in with me in these troubled times. A Tangible Memory for L.v.L. made and stuffed with remnants from some of her oldest bed linens, yellow tulips and relief squares:

The parents continue to need our attention and care, so there’s still quite a bit of travelling up and down the country for the foreseeable future. However, this week I’m house-bound as the husband has a severe cold* and we have to wait for his covid-test/--results before I can head South to visit them. * we don’t think it’s covid but better safe than sorry…..

 

A small gathering in the Sangha in honour of Michelle Ms Uncertainty Principles who sadly passed away. I think it would have made Michelle smile; she was so generous in her comments f.e. ‘Lovely lovely thrice lovely visit to your world. Thank you. You are a fresh breeze and a welcome spirit.’ * So was she xx