a small goodbye
my mother-in-law died Wednesday 14 March, in the afternoon, surrounded by a couple of close family members myself included; what you could claim to be a 'good death' she breathed her last gasping breath and then as we sat watching and listening: nothing, not a sound and we knew
she was gone
apart from our dog Tungsten I have never witnessed a death of a living being I have been emotionally attached to
it's unnerving and moving in ways I hadn't considered possible
I know I'm not saying anything new here, but for me this actual experience was an unknown
we have been sad and out of kilter, none too much though, as her passing was expected and in a strange way even welcomed; she suffered from dementia and had long gone, in a sense
I say to self how I must remember to embrace the living whilst they are here
always when I feel at a loss I go for long walks, being outdoors and breathing in and out is all it takes; and then in the evening, sitting and stitching, making a small pillow
the pale yellow and blue fabric comes from Dee, the brighter blue from Jude, the polka dots are from a scarf that happened to come my way, the rust resist is from one of my own dye pots
My acquaintance with witnessing death was early on with the death of companion animals in childhood and my father's sudden death when I was 9 (though I didn't watch the process but found the body), then many more animal deaths over my seventy five years. It was always disorienting. We are creatures of attachment and letting go is a practice we will never be quite done with...until we're actually done.
This little pillow is a deep holding of this moment in time, brought forth by your hand and a community who loves you. Your rust piece is amazing. Looking at it, I had these three thoughts, in this order: A Native American storytelling doll, two ears (for listening) and a butterfly. That pretty much covers it. Beautiful.
On the small pillow , I see somebody dancing , free !
Soyez en paix .
it was all so overwhelming, and now life has returned to normal, 'normal' what's that, movement and action and whirling...I have witnessed a human death and for the first time truly felt how fundamentally this is part of life, living, and now I just keep on going