ghost bird has finally started talking a bit more about himself, I’ll shut up and let him do the telling
for many years I was a traveler, couldn’t settle, wouldn’t settle. I didn’t feel the need to grow roots, only had the urge for going: there was just so much to see in the world, all the ports to visit, the food to taste the drinks to drink and get drunk and to not know where you are and not a care in the world and waking up in a stranger’s bed, relying on their kindness, and losing everything you have, what little you had and things turning out okay again, so many interesting people to meet, so many birds to fall in love with…..
and then one day it happened. I was staying in Paris, earning a living with a bunch of friends from all over by performing our song&dance routine on the streets. It was during one such performance, I noticed this woman looking at me, staring single mindedly at me in fact and I knew: she was the one; in a flash I saw she was the girl I was gonna marry and grow old with and we would have our own vegetable garden in the south of France, or wherever and the sun would be shining and I fell for her right there, before we had spoken, before we had kissed. Have you ever felt like you are truly lost and you only realize you are lost, because someone finds you and truly looks and sees you and you see yourself as if for the first time, for what you are and that you matter and it matters you are here. that was how it was with her, those first months we were each other. We were all we needed. we settled down, I got the job, rented a flat, we moved in together, gathered furniture from friends and shared our meals with them and were in love and together and it was enough. She, us, our lives together were enough for me and life was good and calm and I felt content like I’d never felt before, ever.
I thought this would go on forever.
You’ve probably guessed by now it didn’t.
She fell out of love, gradually she slipped away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it, believe me I tried, I begged and cried and humiliated myself and tried to change myself into someone who I thought she would want, acted indifference, slept around, attempted to make her jealous, all to no avail, there is just no way you can make a person love you back, not if they don’t
You just can’t .
So, when i felt i just couldn't take any more, I decided to leave Paris, leave the life I thought I had and went back to travelling, but my heart wasn’t in it. Still isn’t, not yet I tell myself. Anyway, hurt and aching is how I ended up here by lucky accident, heard about it through friends’ friends, knocked on the door, was welcomed in and it was really cool how the gang here just accepted me, let me be and asked no questions, asked nothing in fact, just let me jump and fly and sleep and eat and do nothing much really.
That’s enough for now, thanks for reading.